Drunken Middle School Conversations

The title is obviously click-bait, but you and I both know you’re going to read it.

A fairly common conversational prompt in drunken and middle school conversations (hopefully on very separate occasions) is, “What would you do if you only had a year to live?”  Or six months, or one month,  or one week.  But no one asks what someone would do if they only had one day, twenty four hours, to live.

Imagine if a doctor told you that you were dying and the moment the words escaped their lips, and the sounds bounced off of your eardrums, and your brain registered the sounds as meaningful language; a timer was set on your life.
What would you do?

In these conversations, no one sets the perimeter of only a day when asking this question because it would feel too short.  At least with a minimum of a week, or even just three days, you have a few hours to cope with the situation and plan for the end of your life.

When someone asks, “What would you do if you only had ____ amount of time to live?” they are are not really asking how you would cope with the presumed illness and immense sadness and fear that would likely consume you.  They don’t expect you to say you’re going to quit your job and spend that month with your loved ones every waking moment.

They expect you to spit out a list of amazing things you’d like to do before you die.  But even then, they’re not asking what kind of strings you would have pull and weird Wikipedia edits you would have to make in order to get away with traveling the world with money you don’t have, kissing the Blarney Stone with strength your terminal illness won’t allow, and meeting Beyonce under the guise of a lie you’d probably never get away with (provided your Wikipedia edits about your alleged relation to Beyonce that you previously made were deleted) in just one week.

The question isn’t really, “What would you do if you only had a much shorter amount of time to live than initially expected?”  The question is “What do you want to do in your lifetime?”  The problem with people (especially myself) is that they think they have all the time in the world to do everything they want to accomplish.

-Fix the shingles?  Why?  The weather will be fine tomorrow, and I don’t have time today.
-Do laundry? Why?  I have one more set of underpants, and I don’t have time today.
-Iron the curtains?  Why? Who does that?  Plus, I don’t have time today.

If you are a human who has ever lived a day in the normal adult world, then you know very well that you have time for these things.  What you really mean is it is not a priority.

-Exercise? Why? I have plenty of time to get that six pack I want, and right now, it’s not a priority.

Honestly, if you have something better to do than crunches and push-ups, I am certainly no one to judge.  But when you replace “I don’t have time,” with other things, it sounds really different.

-Play with my daughter?  Why?  I’ll have so much more energy tomorrow, and it’s not a priority.
-Lunch with my boyfriend?  Why?  We haven’t eaten together in months, we’ll be fine today, it’s really not a priority.
-Call my sick grandparent?  Why?  They’ll probably be there tomorrow, and it’s not a priority.

This is what we do, we tack on a flimsy excuse for not doing the things we want or should do, so we don’t prioritize it, and it doesn’t happen.  So we miss out on the things that are really important to us because we always assume there will be time to bond with our kids, or travel, or write, or paint.  And there is.  I promise you, there is time.

People complain there aren’t enough hours in a day, or the little ones grow up too fast, or more broadly: time is not on our side.  The problem isn’t time, it’s that we have too much of it so we don’t do the things we say we’ll do because we think there’s time for it.  But instead we squander our time by wasting away in front of the t.v. watching actors do the things we always say we want to do during those drunken middle school conversations.

 

I kind of got married last week.

I read somewhere once that the first year of marriage can be the worst.  Because you have two people who are suddenly living together and are trying to find a balance in their coexistence.

I understood the struggle of living with a new person (I’ve lived with many very different individuals all four years of college and then the first year after graduation), but I’ve also found that it is only difficult during the first month or two, and then people tend to fall into harmony and routine.  I didn’t understand how a couple, two people who are supposed to know each other well enough to fall in love and get married, can have a difficult time living together for a solid year.

Now I understand.
Admittedly I didn’t get married last week, but I did move in with my boyfriend The Photographer, and his family.

These last three weeks through this whole moving process have been Hell.  The Photographer and I have had arguments before, but we’ve never fought like this, ever.

Every fight was essentially just variations of the following:
Him: I’m frustrated because you’re moving in small trips rather than one big one like the last two moves that I helped you with.

Me: I know, and I’m trying to move as much as I can in my little car, so you don’t have to come in your truck to take as many things.  And I’m moving boxes to your house as I pack them because my roommate, M, has claustrophobia, and get’s overwhelmed by lots of boxes, and I can’t keep all the packed boxes in my room, because my room is too small.  And I’m frustrated with you for being frustrated with me, because you said you’d help me, and you’re acting all inconvenienced.

Him:  I AM inconvenienced!  It takes half a tank of gas to drive from my house to your apartment and back, and my tank takes $60 to fill, so it’s really not worth driving all the way over here for just a few boxes if they don’t fill up the back of my truck.  Tell M to get over it! And I’m frustrated with you for being frustrated with me, for being frustrated with you.

Me:  Telling M to get over it is not going to cure her phobia!  And she’s aware that’s it’s stupid, but she does have a right to feel comfortable in her own home!  And I’m sorry!  Like I said, I am moving everything I can that will fit in my car so you don’t have to make as many trips, and I’m trying to accommodate my housemates, because they’re my friends!  I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place here!  And I’m frustrated with you for being frustrated with me, for being frustrated with you, for being frustrated with me!

Him:  Well if M is your friend, and she knows this, shouldn’t she understand?! Why do you have so much shit anyway?  Who needs all this shit?  Can’t most of it go in the garage or Goodwill?

Me:  She is trying!  And that’s all I can ask!  And I’m frickin trying to get rid of things, but you have to recognize that I am moving my entire existence from one place to another, AND I’m a girl, so stereotypically, OF COURSE I’m going to have a lot of shit!  Most of which IS going in the garage!

Him:  It’s just that it’s everywhere!  It’s overcrowding the house!

Me:  Yes!  Yes it is!  I can either pack and move, or unpack and organize, I can’t do both!

_________________________

We both have valid points and grievances, but we’re too annoyed and angry to really see them in the moment.  It’s been rough.  It doesn’t help that we’re both stubborn as all get out.  This last week has been better, but we’re still bickering over things that don’t matter.

I really thought this would be like every other living situation I’ve been in, but it’s not.  And it’s not because his parents and sister are there, it’s because it’s him.  It’s because both of us recognize that on some level, this experience is representative of how our marriage will be and we desperately want validation as quickly as possible that we can survive as a couple.  So we’ve been impatient and resentful when things don’t automatically fall into place.  At least with regular roommates, if the living situation isn’t ideal, you can say, “Oh well, just a few more months till the lease is up.”

We’re not married, and we live with three other people, but I suspect the article was talking about this: two people who need to know that they haven’t made a horrible mistake.

If, When, Then, I Would Have___

 

First, I would like to mention that I AM working on Part 3 of Pretending to Be a Grownup. But today I would like to talk about my current life.

I quit my job as a cook at the retirement home somewhere in the beginning of December 2016.  The job was suffocating me and I needed out and a change of pace.

I decided I would make money through an online transcription company so I would have more time to pursue my dream of being a writer.  For those of you who are unaware of what a transcription job is, the basis of it is listening to audio and then typing what the speakers are saying.

I can describe the experience of this seemingly simple job fairly accurately as what Hell is probably like for people who rely heavily on their auditory ability because of a lack of sight or ability to feel or smell.

If you’re lucky, the recording was done outside with the sounds of wind, cars, lawnmowers, and skateboards brrring, rrrring, and ffllllllpppping over your dialogue.

But even if you’re not faced with the outdoors, you still have to deal with the speakers’ slurring, mumbling, or faster-than-a-car-salesman voices.  The microphone is always too close to one speaker and horrendously far away from another.  So every time a new speaker begins talking, you’re either bringing up the volume and having to back track several seconds to hear what they’re saying, or having your ear drums destroyed with a heavy, screeching Chinese accent.  I wish I could say I was being racist for comedic effect, but unfortunately I’m not.

It’s not a great job, and since I set my own hours, I haven’t actually worked in weeks. I wish I had just taken a month off from the retirement home and then went back to cooking.  That probably would have been wiser.  I’d have a steady job that actually got me out of the house, and when my boyfriend asked how my day was, I’d have more to say.

Life is full of would-of’s and should-of’s.  Maybe that’s why we’re so obsessed with time travel.

  1. Back to the Future (I, II, and III)
  2. The Butterfly Effect
  3. Groundhog Day
  4. Deja Vu
  5. Edge of Tomorrow/Live Die Repeat (or whatever we’re supposed to call this movie)
  6. Midnight in Paris
  7. Any television episode where a character goes back in time and usually at some point kills Hitler

And a hundred zillion other movies and tv shows about or involve time travel are about one concept: changing the time-space-continuum so that life is improved.  Usually the character learns that fixing one problem only creates bigger problems and doesn’t actually fix their own issues.  In other cases, time travel  is recognized as a positive thing that allows a character to improve their lives, their personal character, or even the world.

Regardless of how time travel is viewed, it almost always begins with a scriptwriter who says, “I wish I had known ___, back when ___, so then I would have ___, and everything would be infinitely better,” what a great and original idea for a film.

As for me, “I wish I had known what an unemployed rut I would be in, back when it was somewhere in the beginning of December 2016, so then I would have not quit my job, and everything would be infinitely better.”  But I know that’s not true.  It doesn’t really matter if had I quit my job or not, because either way I would not be doing something worth while that I love and that must be at least a part of why I am in a state of discontentment.

Alternative Facts Fiction

In response to Donald Trump’s so-called ‘alternative facts’ my colleagues and I have started a blog:

alternativefactsfiction.wordpress.com

Here, we have completely true, alternative facts with obviously real resources, stemming from news we clearly did not make up.

The page is still a work in progress, but I am proud to write the first article: Heidi Klum is a Cyborg, located specifically here:

https://alternativefactsfiction.wordpress.com/2017/01/29/heidi-klum-is-a-cyborg/

 

 

An Approach

My breaths come and go evenly
because I am trying to calm my thundering heart.

My eyes drill deeply into your pores
because I have to commit your face to memory.

My feet tread purposefully
because they are preparing to break into a sprint.

My jutted jaw is held high
because it needs to make you believe I will fight back.

You may regard my smile as a middle finger
because Society has put my hands in mittens.

 

 

 

 

*Subject: Those darn woman-problems/Response to anyone who has ever said “not all men”